Boundaries: A Viking Story
I’ve just turned 42, and I’m finally getting a handle on how to set clear and kind boundaries. I went from having no boundaries (or almost none) to being rather fierce with them (my partner would say Lagertha Lothbrok-fierce) to slowly finding a middle ground. It’s central to “the true hard work of love and relationships”, and has been as rewarding as it is difficult. At the heart of setting boundaries is knowing what you need and being able to ask for it in a nice way. Or in a fierce way, if that is what is required. But usually, kindly does it.
In my early adulthood, I was a classic people-pleaser, which mostly played out in saying “yes” to everything thrown my way at work, leading to a vast number of panic attacks, ten years of being stone-cold single, and a blossoming career. At least I had that. But it took a lot of anger and resented weekend work to teach me that it wasn’t all I wanted.
A hop, skip and a few coronavirus waves later, and I’m enterally grateful to all the people (bosses, family, friends, partners) who pushed my boundaries so hard that I had to learn to hold them firmly:
“I could stop what I’m doing now and work on that for you, but I can’t do both tasks in the time frame you’ve given me; which would you prefer me to prioritise?”;
“About those dishes… we agreed it’s your turn, right?”;
“I can’t chat right now, I need a bit of quiet time, but I’d love to chat with you tomorrow”.
These statements serve as shields of self-protection, multiple forms of which are carved into millions of neural pathways in my brain such that I can pull them out, pretty much as and when needed. Of course, certain things push my buttons, and then Lagertha comes out, but I’m learning what those are and finding ways to tame the shield maiden. At least enough to put the sword down.
Here are a few things I learned along the way:
1. Pay attention to anger and resentment: I find these the most common emotions linked to my boundaries being violated. If you’re on a call with someone and feeling resentful that you ‘have to talk to them,’ — you’re not paying attention to what you need.
2. Beware the pendulum: If you’re anything like I was and feel like your boundaries are broken all the time, be careful that you don’t pendulum swing to Viking mode and chase away the people you love or leave a brilliant job that just needs some tailoring. It’s a long, slow process learning to hold your boundaries, and you need patience with yourself and especially those around you — half the time, they won’t even know they’ve crossed a line for you.
3. Say thank you. If learning to set boundaries is part of your life work — say thank you for it and all the people who have forced you to deal with it. Your biggest boundary pushers are the people who will (if you appreciate them for this) free you in the end.
4. Sometimes it’s all about perception (the wrong one): Sometimes, I realised, I was setting boundaries against imaginary things. I was so used to having to build big walls that often, I was putting walls up against people and situations that didn’t need them. Get to the bottom of what’s real, whatever it takes. Again, patience.
5. Go Green first: In her awesome book, “The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits that will set you free”, Melissa Urban applies the handy, old-school tool, the traffic light system, to boundary setting. She describes how to start with a green boundary — and up the ante to yellow (where a threat of consequence is added) and then red if the boundary is still not respected. Now red does not mean angrier and meaner (like me in Viking mode); it just means more definitive, e.g. “I have asked twice now, and you have continuously ignored my request to not talk about that subject; as you can’t respect my wishes, I’ll be leaving now”. Ouch. But not unkind.
6. Clear and kind (also from the Book of Boundaries): This has been the hardest one for me. It takes a lot to explain to your partner why it’s important to you that she wipes the counter after making lunch on it — when it’s so damn obvious to you why (“all we really need to know, we [should have] learned in kindergarten, right?), and then to be kind about it too? Fuck, no. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs at some of this stuff. And I did. And it didn’t work. Kind. Kindly does it.
7. Some things are not about boundaries. Sometimes, a boundary has nothing to do with it. The situation requires a different clarity, another applied wisdom. “Okay, so he doesn’t see my worth; I might need to rethink if I am a good fit in this organisation”.
Boundaries, for me, are like an invisible Viking shield I can hold up, with love, whenever I need it. I hope that reading this helps you put down your sword, pull up your shield, or both. The reward is that you won’t want to kill your husband on your wedding night.
